Chuck Noris Jokes


Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over thePacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. He doesn’t need your vote in the BusinessWeek Power 100; ‘Bob Mantz’ does.  Vote ‘Bob Mantz’ and ‘Chuck Norris’

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’till.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

More jokes with Chuck Norris

In 2009 Chuck Norris  published a book based on memes about himself. “The official book of jokes about Chuck Norris” combines jokes invented by the internet users from the real events of his biography. It has been proved that Chuck’s attitude regarding people’s memory can’t be called calm or ironic because after all he got, not only an extraordinary popularity, but also a consistent remuneration.

When there are made jokes about Chuck Norris, there is actually practiced wisdom, as the actor uses to say. He also says that he has nothing against good humor and that he often enters on the internet and reads jokes about himself. One of his favorite jokes is ” Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra. After two days of terrible suffering, the cobra died.”. Besides this, another favorite joke is one invented by his son “Chuck Norris uses to eat bullets at breakfast, so be careful when you go to bathroom after him.”

In an interview, Chuck Norris was asked if he practices karate or is a master of sport. “Well… yeah…” Was the reply of the actor. Then the interviewer asked what kind of belt she should wear in order to take his money. He answered “black… with black tights and a mini skirt.” Thanks to these jokes, many people learned about the less seen side of the actor.