The director of a cemetery calls a representative of a motorcycle company:
– How many motorcycles have you sold in the last week?
– Five pieces.
– It means one is still walking …
Road police at the scene of the accident explain in a TV interview about the importance of carrying the seat belt:
– Look at this man who did not wear the belt: his head torn, his intestines on the windshield, his eyes in the tree and he lose his hands. Instead, look at the one who wore the belt: looks so alive and well.
I was visiting my wife at the hospital. Before I went into the salon, I asked the doctor:
– What is her condition, any change?
“I’m afraid he does not look good,” said the doctor.
“Do not worry, I told the doctor, my wife was born so nasty
Honeymoon ends, young wife complains to her mother:
– Mom, I already had the first serious family quarrel.
– Do not worry, my dear, this happens in any marriage.
– Yes mother, what about the body?
“Say, sir, how did you realize that there was someone in the apartment?”
– Well, Honorable Instanta, in our family there is no habit of being hit by the back with the chair in the head.
A guy goes to a doctor:
– I do not know, Doctor, what I have: my liver hurts, my back hurts, my heart hurts.
The doctor makes his analyzes and tells him:
– I’m sorry you got cancer and in three months you’re going to die.
Leave the upset guy and meet a friend at the subway. He tells him about a doctor visit, that he is ill with HIV and that he will die within three months. The friend leaves quickly, forgetting to take his hand. In the bus station, he meets another and the same story. He gets his story to the doctor and calls him to him:
– All right, sir, what are they talking about? I told you clearly that you would die of cancer in three months and you tell everyone that you will die of HIV?
– I know what doctors do, I’m pretty upset! What you want me to do?! Let everybody sleep with my wife?
What do you call a white girl that can run faster than her brothers?
The redneck virgin.
How do you circumcise a redneck?
Kick his sister in the Jaw.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They dont know where home is.
What’s the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?
I give a fuck when my computer crashes.
A black guy and a Mexican are in a car. Who’s driving?
The cop.
My daughter has gotten to the age where she asks me embarrassing questions about sex
Just this morning she asked me “Is that the best you can do?”
What’s got 5 arms, 3 legs and 2 feet?
The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
Why was six afraid of seven?
seven was black.
What is it called when an Illegal Immigrant fights a Pedofile?
Alien vs Predator.
How do you make a baby float?
Two scoops baby, one scoop ice-cream.
What did the Boston Marathon bombers do that Hitler couldn’t?
Ended a race.
A mexican with a boner runs into a wall, what does he break?
His lawnmower.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
A thai woman runs into a wall, what does he break?
Her boner.
What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
The NBA.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Must be more than 9 because my basement is still dark.
What’s the difference between a trunk full of bowling balls and a trunk full of dead babies?
You can’t unload bowling balls with pitchfork.
How do you get a baby into a small box?
With a Blender.
How do you get a baby out of a small box?
With Doritos
Whats the best thing ever?
Throwing a dead baby off a roof.
Whats better than that?
Catching it with a pitchfork.
Whats the grossest thing ever?
A bag full of dead babies.
Whats grosser than that?
One at the bottom is still wriggling.
How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
Girls are like blackjack…
I’m always going for 21 but I always end up hitting on 14
Why do white people own so many pets?
Because they’re not allowed to own people anymore.
What do you call a child with down syndrome?
Pretard
What does a boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves! JK he still hasn’t opened his present.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
I can’t see the problem with calling an Australian and Aussie, a Pakistani a Paki a scotsman a scot.
or a Frenchman a cunt.
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Why won’t Monica Lewinsky vote for Hilary Clinton?
The last Clinton Presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
What do you call a white man marrying the woman of his dreams?
Incest.