Coffee jokes


Patient to the eye doctor: “Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain.”

“Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking.”


– Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt.

– That’s not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.


People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning……. I reply—-No, I just bring her some coffee !!!


A man went to his psychiatrist and said, “Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye,” the psychiatrist said, “well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”


I’m sure all coffee beans are juvenile. They’re always getting grounded!


What do you call a cow who’s just given birth? De-calf-inated!


“I want you to drink a cup of hot water every morning,” prescribed the doctor. “You gotta be kidding, doc,” I’ve been doing that for years, but my wife calls it coffee”.


I met someone in the elevator who was drinking coffee and complaining about how coffee made him nervous. I said why don’t you quit drinking coffee. He said, “because if I didn’t have the shakes I wouldn’t get any exercise at all.”


This guy walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress: “How much is the coffee?” “Coffee is three dollars the waitress said”. “How much is a refill?” the man asked. “Free”!!!!! said the waitress. “Then I’ll take a refill”!!!!!.


Two woman are fighting in the supermarket. One quickly get the Folgers coffee, and dumps down the other woman’s shirt. The lady asks why did she did that? Her response was, “There’s nothin’ more better than waking up with Folgers in your cup.”


A lady came into the kitchen, sat down at the table, leaned forward, put her head in her hands and said to her husband “Honey, I feel terrible! My head hurts, my back’s killing me and my left breast just burns and burns.” He said “I’m gonna help you, Dear. I’ll get you some aspirins for the headache, I’ll rub your back with Myoflex for the backache, and if you’ll sit up and get your breast out of the coffee, it’ll stop burning!”


Customer: Waiter, is this supposed to be coffee or tea? Waiter: What does it taste like? Customer: It tastes like gasoline! Waiter: Well, sir, that would be the coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine.


Men are like … coffee.

The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.


At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladies room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup. I didn’t realize how long I’d been until someone slid a note under the door. “You win,” it read. Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot.”


A man walked up to a vending machine, put in a coin, and pressed the button labeled, “Coffee, double cream, sugar.” No cup appeared. Then two nozzles went into action, one sending forth coffee, the other, cream. After the proper amounts had gone down the drain where the cup should have been, the machine turned off. “Now that’s real automation,” the man exclaimed. “This thing even drinks it for you!”


Q: Why are all Jewish men required to make a good cup of coffee?

A: Because according to the Torah He Brews!


Q: Why is a bad cup of coffee the end of a marriage?

A: Because it’s GROUNDS for divorce!


Q: Why is Starbucks removing the trans-fat from their menu?

A: Because they want that Frappacino to pad your ass without clogging your arteries!


Q: What is best Beatles song?

A: Latte Be!


Q: What do you call sad coffee?”

A: Despresso.


Q: Why can Starbucks get away with charging outrageous prices for coffee?

A: Because they have Italian titles for everything!


Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic

A: Sanka


Q: Why do I not like hot drinks?

A: It’s just not my cup of tea.


Q: Did you know it’s a sin for a woman to make coffee?

A: Yup, it’s in the Bible. It says . . “He-brews”


Q: What do Chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?

A: They are all better rich!


Q: Why Coffee is better than a Woman?

A: Coffee goes down easier!


Cofee is the most important meal of the day


Me after one cup of coffe: I am beautiful and fast


Me: I like coffe black like my soul

Me: Haha… just kidding *dumps a shit ton of creamer and sugar into coffe*


I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before thei 8-hour coffe bath.


Dad: Why are you drinking coffee at 10pm?

Me:Time si an illusion. Once you realize that, you can transcend and live in bliss

Me: *takes sip*

Me: Also I have a 10 page pafer due in the morning that I haven’t started.

Jokes about coffee

There is nothing like a hot cup of coffee in the morning before going to work, excepting a list of jokes about it. If you are a fan of coffee, or an addict of it, you will enjoy these jokes. If not, you can make yourself a huge cup of coffee while we enjoy these jokes.

  • ‘Why are men compared to coffee?’

‘Because they are rich, hot and keep you awake all night.’

  • How is called a sad coffee?


  • Why are italians so good at making coffee?

Because they know how to ‘espress’ thelselves.

  • Why is a divorce compared with an Espresso?

Because it’s expensive and bitter.

  • Why don’t snakes drink coffee?

Because their wives make it ‘viperactive’.

  • The wife brings a cup of coffee to her husband who was sitting at the computer very concentrated. After he tasted it he said ‘Don’t you know I drink coffee without sugar?’. The wife answered ‘ I do, but I wanted to hear your voice.’
  • At the border between Spain and France the officer asks:

‘Bourbon? Tobacco? Drugs?’

‘A cup of coffee, please!’ Answered the passager.

  • ‘Did you bring me coffee or tea?

‘Can’t you tell?’


‘Then what’s the difference?’

  • ‘ Waiter, the coffee is cold.’

‘Thank you for telling me, sir. Cold coffee is more expensive.’