My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I’d start lying to my wife
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.
My first job was being a diesel fitter at a pantyhose factory. As they came off the line, I would hold them up and say, “yeah, Deez-el fit her.”
People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
I think this generation will have to go into separate rooms and text each other to work out their problems.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes – about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
The reward for a job well done is more work.
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
Excuse me? Do you work at Little Ceasars? Cuz Ur Hot And I’m Ready.
My job is secure. No one else wants it.
A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.
Why kill time when you can make it work for you?
The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
Heard about the drug addict fisherman who accidentally caught a duck? Now he’s hooked on the quack.
I always wanted to marry an Archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Don’t be irreplaceable – if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted
My son was like “I got a D in my maths” and I was like “That’s really bad” and my wife was like “you need to stop doing his homework.”
Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 33, looking for some action!” I’ve sent her my ironing, that’ll keep her busy
I was going to be a computer forensics expert, but couldn’t hack IT.
There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.