Diet Day #1 – I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.
My wife gave birth 4 times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth 0 times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to contribute to cows having body issues.
My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself… a piece of cake.
Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Why did the lady wear a helmet every time she ate? She was on a crash diet!
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982
Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously, your in the way
My ex-girlfriend told me nothing shocks her anymore so I switched her digital scale from Lbs to Kg.
She’s so fat, she fell down and rocked herself to sleep trying to get up!
You’re fat. It’s not because it runs in the family, you’re fat because nobody runs in your family.
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
You’re so fat that your husband rolled over after sex, rolled over again and was STILL on top of you.
My sister is so fat then when we go out to the local buffet they see her coming and pot out the speed-bumps.
Missionary Impossible: When 2 fat people try to have sex.
Yo momma is so fat, when she sat on an iPod, she made the iPad!
What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds.
I love my six packs so much that I have protected it with layers of fat.
You so fat that when you stepped onto a scale it said. Bitch I never asked for your phone number.
You have enough fat to make another human.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis and realizing she got really fat.
You know you’re fat when you step on the scale and it says “one at a time please”.
Yo mamma is so fat, the only good grade she got in school was an “A” in lunch.
You’re so fat you tried to eat Eniemen at the Grammies.
Doctor: “Well, it looks like you’re pregnant.” Woman: “Oh my God, I’m pregnant?!” Doctor: “No, it just looks like you are.”
Scooters and fat girls are both fun to ride. Until your friends see you.