Marriage jokes

 

Woman to her husband while at it: “Please say dirty things to me!”
Man: “Bath, Kitchen, Living room…”

 

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

 

I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed. Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.

 

My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.

 

My wife told me she needs more space. I said no problem and locked her out of
the house.

 

My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.
I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.

 

What to give a man who’s got everything? A woman. She’ll tell him how everything works.

 

I think as marriages go, we’re doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!
Nearly on Monday
Nearly on Tuesday
Nearly on Wednesday
Nearly on Thursday
Nearly on Friday
Nearly on Saturday
Nearly on Sunday

 

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.
But she figured out I was only after my money.

 

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age.”
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
“Well”, he replied.  “I said I was 87!”

Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

 

“Darling, can I go out in this dress?”
“Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”

 

Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: “Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?”
Wife looks confused: “But that’s your task, honey.”
“What? Why?”
“It’s all over the Bible, dearest.”
“The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to be brewing coffee!”
The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: “See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews.”

 

It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it.
He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

 

A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?”
His mum answers, “The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”

 

An elderly couple talk in the evening:
“Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?”
“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”
“And that helps?”
“Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”

 

Honey, do you think I gained weight?
No, I think the living room got smaller.

 

Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?
A trip to Thailand?
Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary?
Then I pick you up again.

 

I got really angry with my sat nav today. I even yelled at it to go to hell. 20 minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.

 

A man noticed his credit card has been stolen – but he never reported it. The thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.“

 

What’s the difference between a bachelor and a married man? Bachelor comes home, checks out what’s in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, checks out what’s in the bed & goes to the fridge.

 

I got lost!
Where are you?
In the car.

Dear audience, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my wife!

 

Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns?
Because there’s a wedding going on.
But isn’t the horn a warning signal, Mommy?
Exactly, son.

 

My husband and I had very happy twenty years. After that we met.

 

“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”
“But honey, what about our child?”
“What child?!”
“Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”

 

Wife to husband: “Honey, guess who’s not wearing any panties and bra today?”
Husband, “Ah, that’s why your face looks so stretched today!”

 

Childhood is when you go to the toilet in the night and then you run back and jump in your bed, glad that the monster under the bed didn’t get you.
Adulthood is when the monster lies in the bed next to you.

 

At a medical check-up:
Do you do dangerous sports?
Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife.

 

Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet. In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”.

 

I’ve never been married, but I can imagine how it feels. I once had a stone stuck in my shoe for 10 hours.